Leaving an abusive relationship is never easy. Apart from the emotional turmoil, your life can be in danger if your abuser has a hard time letting you go. But you can't keep living with an abusive partner, you must take steps to gain independence, break the cycle of abuse, and leave for your own good.
When is it time to leave? Let's find out:
When it’s one time too many
One time, your partner hits you and apologizes; then the next day another altercation then he or she hits you or calls you terrible names and you forgive – again. Sometimes, ignoring abuse fosters it, and if it happens more than once, chances are, it may continue - so, this might be your cue to leave.
This is one of the hardest pills to swallow for anyone in an abusive relationship - coming to terms with the fact that your partner isn't going to change. This is hard for many reasons- you don't want to admit you are being abused, that you don't love your partner anymore, that you are genuinely scared for your life.
But if the excuses come every day, you have a black eye every other week, your partner apologizes, promises to change, but nothing is changing. It's time to remove the scales from your eyes and make the change by leaving.
When your life and sanity is in danger
It does not have to be after 10 episodes of a violent outburst. If one single episode of your partner behaving violently or abusively threatens your life and mental health, it’s time to pack your bags.
Think about this: if you had to pick right now between this life you am living and a fresh start, what would you choose? Once you realize these excuses for what they are, you can't pretend that everything is okay anymore.
Start making plans to leave. Don't think about what your friends and family will say, what your work colleagues will think, don't keep the abuse a secret, think about yourself and leave.
When you realize that it's not your fault
When your partner’s behavior always hurt you mentally, emotionally, or physically, there might be something wrong. And for many cases of abuse, it’s almost always not the fault of the victim. Realizing that the behavior of your abuser is not your fault is the first step to freeing yourself from an abusive relationship.
Abusive relationships exist in a cycle of abuse: from rising tensions, conflict, then to reconciliation, and to being back again. You might be thinking, he won't hit him me again or it was because I made a mistake, or it has been so peaceful recently".
The abuse won't stop, not because you keep making mistakes but because the abuse is not triggered by anything external, including yourself, but by some internal disturbance in your abuser’s thought processes. Even if your partner hurts you frequently, they may try to bully or manipulate you emotionally to get you to stay.
Comments like "Where will you go? Who do you think will want you?, This is your fault, I will kill myself if you leave!", are meant to alter your decision to leave. Try not to be swayed, remember that only one more "mistake" may be the end of your life.
When nothing is helping
You have been to couples therapy, marriage counseling, anger management, even had several meetings with the in –laws, still nothing has changed in your relationship. This might be your cue to leave. Your partner might have more internal conflicts that he or she needs to resolve, and you have to stay away having done all you could to help them. You can't keep waiting for them to see the light while your life is at stake.
Instead, go for individual therapy where you can learn about the dynamics and patterns of abuse, how to set boundaries, and identify faulty thought patterns. You will also learn about coping strategies and how to identify and build healthy relationships.
Conclusion
At the start of a relationship, it can be difficult to tell if your partner will be abusive. But once they begin to display abusive behaviors, you should put safety plans in place and leave.
